This really is proving to be a tough time in my life. I'm not certain that any portion of life will ever be easy for me. I don't know if i've noted this on the blog yet, but i've graduated from college! A huge chapter of my life, over. It was one of struggle, self-discovery, and constant rebirth. I tried on many different perspectives throughout my time, experience, and education there. Since graduation, i've gotten a job as a saxophone player in the US Army which has been my dream job at the end of the tunnel motivating me all throughout college. It is verification that I am capable of doing what I have dreamt of and worked so hard for. At least I have something to look forward to at the end of this lull.
Like I said, things right now are a little painful. I got the job of my dreams, but I don't ship off to basic training until March 25th. Time is passing very slowly now. All I have to do while I wait is work at the shoe store, get in shape, keep up my music skills, and take my test to get my teaching license. The problem is, I live alone. Sometimes, I go an entire day without talking to anyone. It sucks, but I can deal. That's just the reality. I'm not a college student anymore and I live in a college town. I get frustrated and waste time sometimes.
Another thing that's been getting me down lately is Kate. (leave it to girls to get you down, right?) I had high hopes for her. She told me that she would like to move out to where I am when she gets out and I melted at the thought. She seemed like she would be an ideal partner for me; Smart, beautiful, fun, understanding. Love is a fickle thing though. I don't pretend to understand why she isn't talking to or seeing me. Most likely it's the same old "girl can't make up her mind" stuff. Sometimes she enjoys being with someone who cares and sometimes she leaves me alone in the ocean wondering what the hell went wrong. I hope there are better days for love ahead where I don't freak every lover out. I don't know if i'm too mature or just psycho. It's a fine line.
I'm never one to wallow in my misery. Just one who has to acknowledge it before moving on. Acknowledged. So what can I do to make it better. Plan! So what do I have at my disposal to make the most out of the time before I leave? Jazz Everyone, Sax/flute/clarinet, french, writing+writing music, khan academy, guitar/singing. A lot. Really. And I have a few good friends in town still. Things could be much, much worse. I just have to make the best of it. No one but me will pat me on the back for it.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Righteous Indignation
Today, i'm finally releasing some thoughts that have been persisting in my mind. I don't write all that often because i'm afraid of "immortalizing" thoughts that are not necessarily true to me. I only seem to write when I have recurring thoughts. It really is something for me to work through though, this fear of permanence.
Lately, i've been having thoughts about different emotions and their viability or futility. One that I am wary of that I often catch myself feeling is righteous indignation. It's this feeling of anger and frustration at people and situations in my periphery. The indignation comes after the fact. This feeling of justification for my anger. The feeling of justification only preserves my ability to function from a state of anger which is not a sustainable place to work/live from. Actions taken from a state of anger are actions dictated by society and not myself. I seek to be the purest incarnation of myself that I can be. Not clay molded by the unskilled hands of society. Righteous indignation stunts true growth and progress.
There are times when righteous indignation (indirect anger) can serve a purpose. If society impedes your ability to grow as an individual, then the indignation can fuel anger, which informs the outside world that it is hurting you.
However, I am not someone who is oppressed by society. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to attempt to live from a pure and idealistic state of being. This writing marks an acknowledgement and acceptance of my opportunity.
Lately, i've been having thoughts about different emotions and their viability or futility. One that I am wary of that I often catch myself feeling is righteous indignation. It's this feeling of anger and frustration at people and situations in my periphery. The indignation comes after the fact. This feeling of justification for my anger. The feeling of justification only preserves my ability to function from a state of anger which is not a sustainable place to work/live from. Actions taken from a state of anger are actions dictated by society and not myself. I seek to be the purest incarnation of myself that I can be. Not clay molded by the unskilled hands of society. Righteous indignation stunts true growth and progress.
There are times when righteous indignation (indirect anger) can serve a purpose. If society impedes your ability to grow as an individual, then the indignation can fuel anger, which informs the outside world that it is hurting you.
However, I am not someone who is oppressed by society. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to attempt to live from a pure and idealistic state of being. This writing marks an acknowledgement and acceptance of my opportunity.
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