Unconditional Love

I was having a profound thought while I was out running today. For some reason, that's the time when a lot of my best thoughts and realizations happen. When my heart starts beating faster and i'm breathing heavily, the stresses of the outside world fade away. Running forces you into the present moment. You can't get distracted or worry about what you are or are not doing. You just are. It's very freeing for me.

I'm almost always listening to music when i'm running and my thoughts are always loosely connected to the meaning that the music has for me. I started having this thought while I was listening to "Real" from "Good Kid, M.A.A.D City" by Kendrick Lamar. It's a great, great album. You have to listen to it straight through to really get it. Every track is connected and together, it tells a great story. I strongly recommend giving it a listen.  Here's a link to the song i'm talking about though.

"What's love got to do with it when you don't love yourself?"

Right away, this made me think of unconditional love. It's something that almost every human being seeks in one way or another. Feelings of love tie into feelings of justification and rationalizing decisions. We often make our decisions based on whether we think people will love, accept, and support them. It is difficult for people to do anything when they don't feel loved or fear rejection. This is why many people stay in places that they hate. For example, a lot of kids from my high school would frequently talk about how boring Lancaster was and how they couldn't wait to leave. Years later, I can see on facebook that many of them are still there and are in fact, making their lives there starting families and whatnot. What do you think is the reason why they never left?

My theory is that it is because leaving town is a decision that no one will pat them on the back (love) for. The love and acceptance has to come from within. People want those feelings of love and acceptance in the most difficult times/decisions of their life. They want to feel unconditional love so that they can have the strength to manifest their deepest ideals and desires.You can see people looking in different places for it.

The most common place that I see people searching for unconditional love is in religion. When people believe that they are saved, it gives them strength and conviction in their actions. If they truly believe that they have god's unconditional love, they can do anything with conviction knowing that they are and will always be aligned with god.

That's a pretty enormous benefit, but what of everyone else in the world who doesn't share their beliefs? Are they crazy for believing in false gods or for not believing in any at all? I was raised Catholic and this was always the problem for me. Well, that and the fact that I never experienced any supernatural communication with god even though I prayed as earnestly as I knew how at the time. My spiritual/ultimate beliefs about the truths of the world could not dismiss others who did not believe the same things as me as wrong/foolish/ignorant. I cannot believe that.

So I believe that humans have to give themselves the unconditional love. Religion should not have a monopoly on unconditional love. People can give that to each other and I believe that they are capable of giving it to themselves (it's not easy). They have to believe in their own feelings, desires, and dreams. Unconditional love can also come from marriage or a partner too. Marriage (coming from me) is a pledge of unconditional love. Even the strongest people need to be loved and reassured sometimes. It's a nice thought that someday, I could meet someone with whom I have an unconditionally loving relationship. It's setting the bar high, but here's hoping.

      It's been awhile since my last post. And I guess there's reasons for that. This is still a bit of a "slow" point in my life. For those of you haven't been following me in the past, i've just graduated from college, gotten a job playing saxophone in the US Army, and i'm currently waiting to ship off to basic training. I really do think that life is about to get exciting/busy and I am psyched about that.
     It' s just awkward being where I am. I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to be a ghost now. To be more specific, the ghost of my college self. That part of my life is over now. What an experience that was! I've undergone so many transformations and added so many different perspectives to my omnipresent worldview. It's hard not to live in existential fear, but i'm beginning to rise to the occasion with the loss of my naivete optimism thank goodness. I'm finding that one should set expectations high and never give up. I can rise higher than I once realized.
    Now with only three weeks stand between me and basic training, I think i'm finally ready. Like I said, I feel like a ghost living in the situation that I am now. I'm not making any more than enough money to just get by. Almost all social interactions feel hollow and lacking in significance aside from just maintaining my sanity. I'm not going to see any of my college friends for a long time and there are some that I will never see again. I have no doubt that the next phase of my life is going to force me to embrace just as many new perspectives as this one and I welcome that with open arms. It's just that I feel caged in here. Something new, exciting, and full of significance awaits me, but I am still here. It is difficult to embrace this time, but i'm doing my best.

The Flipside

     Then there's the flipside to my last post. Maybe it is justified for me to push someone away. After all, I am not receiving anything for my efforts. What are the chances that I might? And if I do, will there only be more painful distance and distancing in the future? Is it worth it? Hard questions regarding friends. I've made wants/needs clear in the most non-intimidating, non-clingy way that I know how. She hasn't made any effort to see me and rejects my attempts to see her even when I make it easy for her. Maybe it just isn't worth the effort. Maybe there are better people out there for me. I just need to be patient. Time will tell me.

More purging of emotional dead-ends

     I've been having more thoughts today about the mental hamster wheels that I spin sometimes. I think i've mentioned Kate before in this blog before. She's a killer girl that I really admire and enjoy spending time with. Lately it's been difficult to stay in contact. I feel like i've been putting plenty of effort into maintaining a connection. The last five or six times i've tried to plan a get-together, she's had a reason not to and hasn't tried to plan anything with me.
    It's at this point where I usually freak out and ask myself why I should try when someone else isn't. The telltale signs of frustration have made appearances; telling myself I won't call them anymore, feelings of righteous indignation, feelings of abandonment, etc.
    Maybe it's here where the ball is in my court. Blaming her, I could declare that I deserve better and walk away (as I have with others in the past), or I could accept that it is because the situation (distance).  It is normal to miss someone, but longing feelings should not turn into expectations/frustrations. That makes the distance toxic. I know that being together is special, but we are going to lead separate lives as long as we are physically separate. That's just how we are. We figured that out when we dated. So the question becomes, can I be happy with how things are now? If I can't accept this, then there is no reason why we should become closer. I could be happy if we never became anything what we are now. If I can't make her happy, then I hope someone/something else does. Just enjoy knowing her now and don't expect anything more. That's all I can do. I have to live on reality's terms.

Inspiration

      As i've said in previous posts, music is a huge passion of mine. It's literally a way of life for me now. I began playing saxophone and piano when I was in 5th grade, but really, it goes before that. I can remember my favorite toy being my Fischer Price boombox cassette player that had a microphone attached to it. It would amplify your voice without interrupting the tape. I would take it everywhere with me. I remember nights staying up later than I was supposed to so I could listen to my tapes. It gave me such incredible joy to be doing anything involved with music. That sense of joy in music is just as strong with me today. Perhaps even stronger.

     Playing music has taught me many things. I have learned self-discipline through focused practice, overcome shyness in order to perform, learned to work harmoniously with others through rehearsal. I have learned humility playing with others more advanced than myself. I have learned not to fear failure as it is a necessary step for musical, intellectual, and emotional growth. In my opinion, studying music is one of the most effective and fulfilling vehicles for growth in one's life. 

      Naturally, I want to create what has given me purpose, growth, and joy in my life. Below, i've linked one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite groups right now; Knower. They embody everything I love about music. You can tell that they are always pushing forward. They are not afraid to show their influences, (they do lots of covers) but they are not trying to be them. They surprise me. musically with their rhythm, harmony, and timbre. The lyrics are evocative and resonate with me. Every element (visual, harmonic, rhythm, lyric) enhances the others. I want to embody their philosophy in my playing and music. 

     I watched a video interview featuring guitarist Wayne Krantz (amazing) recently. He said that he was not concerned with being a great jazz, bebop, cool jazz etc. player. Others have already done music masterfully already. While it is fun and inspiring to listen to that music, it's been done. What person wants to photocopy other's accomplishments? The goal should be to realize the truest projection of yourself. Imitation is a means to an end for me. Becoming a great improviser is not enough for me even though it is a personal creative endeavor where you are forced to find your own sound and find ways to play through the changes. You are playing on someone else's landscape when improvising on a tune. I want to create the backdrop and the focus. It is relatively new territory for me and I am finding my way slowly, but surely.

    Here is one of my idols on my instrument. His name is David Binney. His playing resonates with me because he is someone who desires to create and express as I do. I think that his music is a particularly beautiful and true realization of himself. He has dedicated himself to his instrument and artistic vision. He expresses himself without concern for commercial viability and the result is truly inspirational.

The Quest for Permanence

    I was having some interesting thoughts today while I was running today. It was beautiful out today by the way. Some might call it mucky, but I for one was thrilled to see our winter wonderland thawing out. This period in between college and the military. is really turning out to be a good thing for me. It has been a time for some intense introspection. When life is not stressful, anxiety still rears it's ugly head presents me with shoulds and what ifs suggesting by feelings that things should not be as they are. Today I had some spontaneous insight as to why this might be. It certainly explains a lot of the anxiety-related feelings that I have.
     My mind, which functions from an idealistic state, craves immediate pleasures with a minimum of work and effort. Yet, what I desire in my life requires hard work, a lot of trial and error, and inevitable failures. My mind just wants to be perfect. I should always be killing on my saxophone. I want close, meaningful relationships. I want to be perceived as smart talented, and funny. People should just care about me because it's me and i'm a great special person. These are all things that my mind tells me I should be. It does easily accept what is. It just always wants me to be perfect. No past, present, or future. Only perfection. These thoughts of what should be discourage me from working towards what I want to be. I am not my imperfections. They are not permanent. Progress is perfection and I am progressing. Failure is allowing myself to be discouraged. The notion that the gap between idealism and reality is a negative thing, is false. Failures are only failures if you give up and the gaps are necessary fuel progress. They are to be cherished.

Life Without External Motivation

     This really is proving to be a tough time in my life. I'm not certain that any portion of life will ever be easy for me. I don't know if i've noted this on the blog yet, but i've graduated from college! A huge chapter of my life, over. It was one of struggle, self-discovery, and constant rebirth. I tried on many different perspectives throughout my time, experience, and education there. Since graduation, i've gotten a job as a saxophone player in the US Army which has been my dream job at the end of the tunnel motivating me all throughout college. It is verification that I am capable of doing what I have dreamt of and worked so hard for. At least I have something to look forward to at the end of this lull.
     Like I said, things right now are a little painful. I got the job of my dreams, but I don't ship off to basic training until March 25th. Time is passing very slowly now. All I have to do while I wait is work at the shoe store, get in shape, keep up my music skills, and take my test to get my teaching license. The  problem is, I live alone. Sometimes, I go an entire day without talking to anyone. It sucks, but I can deal. That's just the reality. I'm not a college student anymore and I live in a college town. I get frustrated and waste time sometimes.
     Another thing that's been getting me down lately is Kate. (leave it to girls to get you down, right?) I had high hopes for her. She told me that she would like to move out to where I am when she gets out and I melted at the thought. She seemed like she would be an ideal partner for me; Smart, beautiful, fun, understanding. Love is a fickle thing though. I don't pretend to understand why she isn't talking to or seeing me. Most likely it's the same old "girl can't make up her mind" stuff. Sometimes she enjoys being with someone who cares and sometimes she leaves me alone in the ocean wondering what the hell went wrong. I hope there are better days for love ahead where I don't freak every lover out. I don't know if i'm too mature or just psycho. It's a fine line.
     I'm never one to wallow in my misery. Just one who has to acknowledge it before moving on. Acknowledged. So what can I do to make it better. Plan! So what do I have at my disposal to make the most out of the time before I leave? Jazz Everyone, Sax/flute/clarinet, french, writing+writing music, khan academy, guitar/singing. A lot. Really. And I have a few good friends in town still. Things could be much, much worse. I just have to make the best of it. No one but me will pat me on the back for it.

Righteous Indignation

Today, i'm finally releasing some thoughts that have been persisting in my mind. I don't write all that often because i'm afraid of "immortalizing" thoughts that are not necessarily true to me. I only seem to write when I have recurring thoughts. It really is something for me to work through though, this fear of permanence.

Lately, i've been having thoughts about different emotions and their viability or futility. One that I am wary of that I often catch myself feeling is righteous indignation. It's this feeling of anger and frustration  at people and situations in my periphery. The indignation comes after the fact. This feeling of justification for my anger. The feeling of justification only preserves my ability to function from a state of anger which is not a sustainable place to work/live from. Actions taken from a state of anger are actions dictated by society and not myself. I seek to be the purest incarnation of myself that I can be. Not clay molded by the unskilled hands of society. Righteous indignation stunts true growth and progress.

There are times when righteous indignation (indirect anger) can serve a purpose. If society impedes your ability to grow as an individual, then the indignation can fuel anger, which informs the outside world that it is hurting you.

However, I am not someone who is oppressed by society. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to attempt to live from a pure and idealistic state of being. This writing marks an acknowledgement and acceptance of my opportunity.