The Flipside

     Then there's the flipside to my last post. Maybe it is justified for me to push someone away. After all, I am not receiving anything for my efforts. What are the chances that I might? And if I do, will there only be more painful distance and distancing in the future? Is it worth it? Hard questions regarding friends. I've made wants/needs clear in the most non-intimidating, non-clingy way that I know how. She hasn't made any effort to see me and rejects my attempts to see her even when I make it easy for her. Maybe it just isn't worth the effort. Maybe there are better people out there for me. I just need to be patient. Time will tell me.

More purging of emotional dead-ends

     I've been having more thoughts today about the mental hamster wheels that I spin sometimes. I think i've mentioned Kate before in this blog before. She's a killer girl that I really admire and enjoy spending time with. Lately it's been difficult to stay in contact. I feel like i've been putting plenty of effort into maintaining a connection. The last five or six times i've tried to plan a get-together, she's had a reason not to and hasn't tried to plan anything with me.
    It's at this point where I usually freak out and ask myself why I should try when someone else isn't. The telltale signs of frustration have made appearances; telling myself I won't call them anymore, feelings of righteous indignation, feelings of abandonment, etc.
    Maybe it's here where the ball is in my court. Blaming her, I could declare that I deserve better and walk away (as I have with others in the past), or I could accept that it is because the situation (distance).  It is normal to miss someone, but longing feelings should not turn into expectations/frustrations. That makes the distance toxic. I know that being together is special, but we are going to lead separate lives as long as we are physically separate. That's just how we are. We figured that out when we dated. So the question becomes, can I be happy with how things are now? If I can't accept this, then there is no reason why we should become closer. I could be happy if we never became anything what we are now. If I can't make her happy, then I hope someone/something else does. Just enjoy knowing her now and don't expect anything more. That's all I can do. I have to live on reality's terms.

Inspiration

      As i've said in previous posts, music is a huge passion of mine. It's literally a way of life for me now. I began playing saxophone and piano when I was in 5th grade, but really, it goes before that. I can remember my favorite toy being my Fischer Price boombox cassette player that had a microphone attached to it. It would amplify your voice without interrupting the tape. I would take it everywhere with me. I remember nights staying up later than I was supposed to so I could listen to my tapes. It gave me such incredible joy to be doing anything involved with music. That sense of joy in music is just as strong with me today. Perhaps even stronger.

     Playing music has taught me many things. I have learned self-discipline through focused practice, overcome shyness in order to perform, learned to work harmoniously with others through rehearsal. I have learned humility playing with others more advanced than myself. I have learned not to fear failure as it is a necessary step for musical, intellectual, and emotional growth. In my opinion, studying music is one of the most effective and fulfilling vehicles for growth in one's life. 

      Naturally, I want to create what has given me purpose, growth, and joy in my life. Below, i've linked one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite groups right now; Knower. They embody everything I love about music. You can tell that they are always pushing forward. They are not afraid to show their influences, (they do lots of covers) but they are not trying to be them. They surprise me. musically with their rhythm, harmony, and timbre. The lyrics are evocative and resonate with me. Every element (visual, harmonic, rhythm, lyric) enhances the others. I want to embody their philosophy in my playing and music. 

     I watched a video interview featuring guitarist Wayne Krantz (amazing) recently. He said that he was not concerned with being a great jazz, bebop, cool jazz etc. player. Others have already done music masterfully already. While it is fun and inspiring to listen to that music, it's been done. What person wants to photocopy other's accomplishments? The goal should be to realize the truest projection of yourself. Imitation is a means to an end for me. Becoming a great improviser is not enough for me even though it is a personal creative endeavor where you are forced to find your own sound and find ways to play through the changes. You are playing on someone else's landscape when improvising on a tune. I want to create the backdrop and the focus. It is relatively new territory for me and I am finding my way slowly, but surely.

    Here is one of my idols on my instrument. His name is David Binney. His playing resonates with me because he is someone who desires to create and express as I do. I think that his music is a particularly beautiful and true realization of himself. He has dedicated himself to his instrument and artistic vision. He expresses himself without concern for commercial viability and the result is truly inspirational.

The Quest for Permanence

    I was having some interesting thoughts today while I was running today. It was beautiful out today by the way. Some might call it mucky, but I for one was thrilled to see our winter wonderland thawing out. This period in between college and the military. is really turning out to be a good thing for me. It has been a time for some intense introspection. When life is not stressful, anxiety still rears it's ugly head presents me with shoulds and what ifs suggesting by feelings that things should not be as they are. Today I had some spontaneous insight as to why this might be. It certainly explains a lot of the anxiety-related feelings that I have.
     My mind, which functions from an idealistic state, craves immediate pleasures with a minimum of work and effort. Yet, what I desire in my life requires hard work, a lot of trial and error, and inevitable failures. My mind just wants to be perfect. I should always be killing on my saxophone. I want close, meaningful relationships. I want to be perceived as smart talented, and funny. People should just care about me because it's me and i'm a great special person. These are all things that my mind tells me I should be. It does easily accept what is. It just always wants me to be perfect. No past, present, or future. Only perfection. These thoughts of what should be discourage me from working towards what I want to be. I am not my imperfections. They are not permanent. Progress is perfection and I am progressing. Failure is allowing myself to be discouraged. The notion that the gap between idealism and reality is a negative thing, is false. Failures are only failures if you give up and the gaps are necessary fuel progress. They are to be cherished.