I've been having more thoughts today about the mental hamster wheels that I spin sometimes. I think i've mentioned Kate before in this blog before. She's a killer girl that I really admire and enjoy spending time with. Lately it's been difficult to stay in contact. I feel like i've been putting plenty of effort into maintaining a connection. The last five or six times i've tried to plan a get-together, she's had a reason not to and hasn't tried to plan anything with me.
It's at this point where I usually freak out and ask myself why I should try when someone else isn't. The telltale signs of frustration have made appearances; telling myself I won't call them anymore, feelings of righteous indignation, feelings of abandonment, etc.
Maybe it's here where the ball is in my court. Blaming her, I could declare that I deserve better and walk away (as I have with others in the past), or I could accept that it is because the situation (distance). It is normal to miss someone, but longing feelings should not turn into expectations/frustrations. That makes the distance toxic. I know that being together is special, but we are going to lead separate lives as long as we are physically separate. That's just how we are. We figured that out when we dated. So the question becomes, can I be happy with how things are now? If I can't accept this, then there is no reason why we should become closer. I could be happy if we never became anything what we are now. If I can't make her happy, then I hope someone/something else does. Just enjoy knowing her now and don't expect anything more. That's all I can do. I have to live on reality's terms.
No comments:
Post a Comment