I was having some interesting thoughts today while I was running today. It was beautiful out today by the way. Some might call it mucky, but I for one was thrilled to see our winter wonderland thawing out. This period in between college and the military. is really turning out to be a good thing for me. It has been a time for some intense introspection. When life is not stressful, anxiety still rears it's ugly head presents me with shoulds and what ifs suggesting by feelings that things should not be as they are. Today I had some spontaneous insight as to why this might be. It certainly explains a lot of the anxiety-related feelings that I have.
My mind, which functions from an idealistic state, craves immediate pleasures with a minimum of work and effort. Yet, what I desire in my life requires hard work, a lot of trial and error, and inevitable failures. My mind just wants to be perfect. I should always be killing on my saxophone. I want close, meaningful relationships. I want to be perceived as smart talented, and funny. People should just care about me because it's me and i'm a great special person. These are all things that my mind tells me I should be. It does easily accept what is. It just always wants me to be perfect. No past, present, or future. Only perfection. These thoughts of what should be discourage me from working towards what I want to be. I am not my imperfections. They are not permanent. Progress is perfection and I am progressing. Failure is allowing myself to be discouraged. The notion that the gap between idealism and reality is a negative thing, is false. Failures are only failures if you give up and the gaps are necessary fuel progress. They are to be cherished.
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